Rules
For World Domination
World
domination is everyone's dream. It's not a bad job
really. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks
and you can set your own hours. However, every Evil
Villain I've read about in books or seen in movies
invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the
end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are
barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists
or alien invaders, they always seem to make the
same basic mistakes every single time. Therefore,
I follow these guidelines while conquering the world:
1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear
Plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl
through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped
will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned
in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power
will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond
the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity.
It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies
to the object which is my one weakness.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament
before killing them.
7. When I've captured my adversary and he says,
"Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell
me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and
shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him
then say "No."
8. After I kidnap the hot girlfriend of the hero,
we will be married immediately in a quiet civil
ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks'
time during which the final phase of my plan will
be carried out.
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism
unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary,
it will not be a large red button labeled "Danger:
Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not
Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on
anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly,
the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as
such.
10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner
sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders
will work just as well.
11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore,
I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues
in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies
alive to show they pose no threat.
12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old
child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot
will be corrected before implementation.
13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least
have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them,
not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The
announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying
celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned
disposal.
14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last
cigarette, or any other form of last request.
15. I will never employ any device with a digital
countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely
unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the
counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting
his plan into operation.
16. I will never utter the sentence "But before
I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally
listen to their advice.
18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably
under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily
fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a
crucial point in time.
19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as
beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's
rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect,
I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so
occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments
that a more attentive individual could adjust to
accordingly.
21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create
original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed
to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like
Nazi storm troopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage
Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and
I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect
of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy
field bigger than my head.
23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons
and train my troops in their use. That way -- even
if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator
and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons
useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful
of savages armed with spears and rocks.
24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my
strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes
some of the fun out of the job, at least I will
never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!
But I'm a fucking demon!" (After that, death is
usually instantaneous.)
25. No matter how well it would perform, I will
never construct any sort of machinery which is completely
indestructible except for one small and virtually
inaccessible vulnerable spot.
26. No matter how attractive certain members of
the rebellion are, there is probably someone just
as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore,
I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent
to my bed chamber.
27. I will never build only one of anything important.
All important systems will have redundant control
panels and power supplies. For the same reason I
will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons
at all times.
28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage
from which it cannot escape and into which I could
not accidentally stumble.
29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and
so throw my enemies into confusion.
30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent
bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be
preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give
up and abandon their quest if they have no source
of comic relief.
31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm
will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses
who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or
romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger
who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil
I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
33. I will never employ the use of a major weapon
that takes time to charge up before firing and utterly
destroying the rebel base. Instead I will use weapons
that can do the same thing with a single push of
a button.
34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they
made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look
like a disaffected member of Generation X.
36. I will not imprison members of the same party
in the same cell block, let alone the same cell.
If they are important prisoners, I will keep the
only key to the cell door on my person instead of
handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in
the prison.
37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions
of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him.
After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger
sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them
and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting
for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance
towards me in my old age.
39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will
certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions
of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number
among his army.
40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If
I have an unstoppable super-weapon, I will use it
as early and as often as possible instead of keeping
it in reserve.
41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all
those pesky time-travel devices.
42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I
also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly
cute little animal capable of untying ropes and
filching keys happens to follow him around.
43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism
when I capture the hot rebel and she claims she
is attracted to my power and good looks and will
gladly betray her companions if I just let him in
on my plans.
44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for
money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt
tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give
the other guy a sporting chance.
45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding
of who is responsible for what in my organization.
For example, if my general screws up I will not
draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is
the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill
some random underling.
46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but
one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will
reply "This." and shoot the advisor.
47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest
to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still
a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
48. I will treat any beast which I control through
magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus
if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately
come after me for revenge.
49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact
which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops
out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to
seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in
the local paper.
50. My main computers will have their own special
operating system that will be completely incompatible
with standard IBM and Macintosh Powerbooks.
51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing
concern over the conditions in the hot friend of
the hero's cell, I will immediately transfer him
to a less people-oriented position.
52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects
and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me
of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that
I might not know about.
53. If the hot friends of the hero that I capture
says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me,
NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being
then attempt to double-cross it simply because I
feel like being contrary.
55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics
will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However
before I send them out on important covert missions
that require tact and subtlety, I will first see
if there is anyone else equally qualified who would
attract less attention.
56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic
marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized
target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery,
I will carefully read the owner's manual.
58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never
stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter
than I am.
60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be
asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using.
If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will
not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything
on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until
I have a response that satisfies them.
62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves
or protruding structural supports which intruders
could use for cover in a fire fight.
63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators,
not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with
none of that nonsense about flames going through
accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get
cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre
compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
65. If I must have computer systems with publicly
available terminals, the maps they display of my
complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main
Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber.
The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage
Overflow Containment.
66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint
scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence
of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then
subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence
will trigger the alarm system.
67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system,
my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance
camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime
in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages
others to do so. However, the offer is good one
time only. If they want me to spare them again,
they'd better save my life again.
69. All midwives will be banned from the realm.
All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals.
Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned
in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
70. When my guards split up to search for intruders,
they will always travel in groups of at least two.
They will be trained so that if one of them disappears
mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately
initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of
quizzically peering around a corner.
71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and
see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant,
I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by
in case the answer is no.
72. If all the heroes are standing together around
a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull
out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable
super-weapon on them.
73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if
they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors
assure me it is impossible for them to win.
74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my
plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can
easily understand the details, I will not label
the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on
top of my desk.
75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack
the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting
while members break off and attack one or two at
a time.
76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run
up after him and struggle with him in an attempt
to push him over the edge. I will also not engage
him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a
rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even
worth considering.)
77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide
to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my
trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity
to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out
of earshot before making the offer.
78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he
must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try
to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a
reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed
it will be melted down and made into limited-edition
commemorative coins.
80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero,
I will send out my best troops instead of wasting
time with progressively stronger ones as he gets
closer and closer to my fortress.
81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving
platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish
him off and he glances behind me and drops flat,
I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning
around to find out what he saw.
82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they
are standing in front of the crucial support beam
to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison
in his goblet, then have to leave the table for
any reason, I will order new drinks for both of
us instead of trying to decide whether or not to
switch with him.
84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded
by members of the opposite sex.
85. I will not use any plan in which the final step
is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones
of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion
at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will
be more along the lines of "Push the button."
86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is
up to code and properly grounded.
87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered
when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways
above them.
88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task,
I will not berate them for incompetence then send
the same group out to try the task again.
89. After I capture the hero's super-weapon, I will
not immediately disband my legions and relax my
guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon
is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon
and I took it from him.
90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that
every workstation is facing away from the door.
91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles
in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal
grooming or current entertainment is finished. It
might actually be important.
92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will
not taunt him. Instead I will say that his dogged
perseverance has given me new insight on the futility
of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for
a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely
return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are
incredibly gullible in this regard.)
93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the
hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me,
I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go
first.
94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not
allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of
purely sentimental value.
95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical
staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner
becomes sick and his cell-mate tells the guard its
an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team
instead of opening up the cell for a look.
96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that
blasting the control panel on the outside seals
the door and blasting the control panel on the inside
opens the door, not vice versa.
97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with
objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything
that can be unraveled.
98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm,
I will carefully monitor their activities. If I
find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore
them. However if circumstance have forced them together
against their will and they spend all their time
bickering and criticizing each other except during
the intermittent occasions when they are saving
each others' lives at which point there are hints
of sexual tension, I will immediately order their
execution.
99. Any data file of crucial importance will be
padded to 1.45Mb in size.
100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked
in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them
with free unlimited Internet access.
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