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FDA Beer Warnings

Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

  • WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering, when you are not.
  • WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
  • WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
  • WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
  • WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4am.
  • WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
  • WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex.
  • WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.
  • WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
  • WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
  • WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named BO.
  • WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
  • WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
  • WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to disappear.
  • WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

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