War Top Ten Lists
Reasons Anakin Skywalker Went To The Dark Side
Ten Scenes Cut From Original Star Wars Trilogy
Ten Fun Things To Do On Tatooine
Rejected Star Wars Novels
Ten Ways All Movies Would Be Better If Patterned
After Star Wars
Surprises George Lucas Has Planned For New Star
Ten Packaged Foods In Star Wars Universe
Ten Crappy Imperial Jobs
Crappy Rebel Jobs
Signs President Clinton Is A Big Star Wars Fan
Ten Moments Emporer Palpatine Wishes He Had Been
Ten Changes That New F/X Technology Will Allow
Lucas To Make In "Star Wars" Rerelease
Action Figures Least Likely To Be A Part of New
Kenner Toy Line
Surprises in Star Wars: Episode One
Ways Micheal Jackson Would Be Cooler If He Lived
In The Star Wars Universe
TEN THINGS REASONS ANAKIN SKYWALKER
WENT TO THE DARK SIDE
10. Generous Dark Lords of the Sith pension plan
9. Sick and tired of mentor Obi-Wan Kenobi reciting
lines from "Bridge Over the River Kwai"
8. To escape cruel taunting over dorky name
7. To impress the babes
6. Kicked in head by bantha
5. Misunderstood name, thought the "Dirk Side"
was fan club for pretty-boy actor Dirk Benedict
4. Charmed by Emporer Palpatine's seductive after-shave
3. Wanted to use the Force to prop up Chrysler
2. Owed money to Jabba the Hutt, could refinance
debt through the Empire
1. Wanted cool voice like James Earl Jones
TEN SCENES CUT FROM ORIGINAL
STAR WARS TRILOGY
10. Controversial Chewbacca/C3PO romance
9. R2D2's breakdancing scene on Hoth
8. Seventeen-second belch issued by Admiral Ackbar
during crucial briefing before Battle of Endor
7. Entire subplot dealing with Jabba's marital
6. Dirty word being spray-painted on wall of Imperial
shield generator by adolescent Ewoks
5. Marlon Brando's uncredited cameo as Bail Organa
4. Rejected ending for first movie in which all
main characters die in Death Star garbage compactor
3. Glowin' Greedo
2. Six minutes of dialogue during which Mon Mothma
had a booger on her lapel
1. Product placement by Cream of Wheat
TEN FUN THINGS TO DO ON TATOOINE
10. Bantha races
9. Racing landspeeders to the Dairy Queen and
8. Oil baths (droids only)
7. Taunting Jawas
5. Sweatin' to the Oldies...and, for that matter,
to the current hits, too
4. Checking out the wretched hives of scum and
villainy in Mos Eisley
3. Bulls-eyeing whomp-rats in your T-16
2. Fishing for Boba Fett's helmet in the Sarlacc
TEN REJECTED STAR WARS NOVELS
10. Luke opens a ranch devoted to the fine art
of motion picture effects, names it after himself
9. "The Courtship of Darth Vader"
8. The adventures of Han Solo's accountant brother
7. "The Complete Wookie Dictionary"
6. "Boba Fett: The Wacky Teen Years"
5. An entire book devoted to all the options Anakin
Skywalker went through when designing scary Darth
4. "Luke Who's Talking!!"
3. A three-volume set documenting the first official
crossover with the beloved "Willow" universe
2. "Biggs Darklighter: The Man and His Music"
1. "The Big Pop-Up Book of Rancors"
TEN WAYS ALL MOVIES WOULD BE
BETTER IF PATTERNED AFTER STAR WARS
10. First James Bond movie would have been Grand
9. Police Academy movies retitled Jedi
8. Due to union rules, a Wookie would have to
be standing in the background of all outdoor scenes
7. During Hollywood premieres, midget actors in
Ewok costumes would skip up and down the aisles,
handing out Raisinets and malted milk balls
6. Van Damme would be eated by a giant space slug
5. Imagine the drama, when, at the end of Gone
With The Wind, Scarlett and Rhett discover
they are actually brother and sister!
4. Star Trek II would have featured exciting
lines like: "Kiiiiiiiirk! I am your father!"
3. During entire eight years of his presidency,
Reagan would have worn bright orange X-Wing pilot's
outfit and helmet
2. In first Batman film, Jack Nicholson
would have delivered best Joker lines in fluent
1. Lethal Weapon films would have starred
Mel Gibson and Billy Dee Williams
TEN SURPRISES GEORGE LUCAS HAS
PLANNED FOR NEW STAR WARS TRILOGY
10. Luke and Leia named after their mother's favorite
9. When first hatched, baby Rancors look almost
exactly like Barney
8. Let's just say that Anakin Skywalker was no
great looker even before he fell in the lava pit
7. Luke and Leia's mother to by played by Shannen
6. By federal law, new theme music must be composed
by Danny Elfman
5. Clone Wars erupted after unethical scientist
filled a tropical island with genetically engineered
4. Part of young Obi-Wan Kenobi to by played by
3. We'll finally get to hear the lavish musical
numbers cut from earlier films
2. If you look closely during the last five minutes
of the second film, you can see brand-new Millenium
Falcon being sold to Lando Calrissian's uncle
1. Many Bothans will die to bring us these films
TEN PACKAGED FOODS IN THE STAR
10. Hutt n' Honey
9. Lando "Lakes" Calrissian Brand Butter
8. Bits-O-Alderaan Cereal
7. Bantha Biscuits (not a big seller)
5. Kibbles n' Bothans
4. Ham Salad in Carbonite
2. Jabba's Live Slimy Frog Things
1. Chocolaty Palp-O-Tine
TEN CRAPPY IMPERIAL JOBS
10. AT-AT jockey
9. Ewok patrol, forest moon of Endor
8. Cleaning the inside of Vader's helmet
7. Emporer's manicurist (must wear asbestos gloves)
6. Valet job parking Star Destroyers
5. Liaison to Alderaan
4. Garbage compactor monster wrangler
3. Interrogation droid tester
2. One of those little toaster robots that hum
1. Death Star Firing Sequence Officer (also known
as the Dorky Hat Patrol)
TEN CRAPPY REBEL JOBS
10. Guy stationed next to Cliff Claven
9. Cleaning the medical tank at Hoth Base Medical
8. Combing the surface of Bespin, looking for
7. Admiral Ackbar's personal masseuse
6. Cleaning the tauntaun pens
5. Monitoring Imperial broadcasts for any news
about secret blend of herbs and spices
4. Manually reloading the ion cannons
3. Chewbacca's chess coach
2. Any job whatsoever if you're stuck with a stupid
degrading name like "Porkins"
1. Bothan spy
TEN SIGNS THAT PRESIDENT CLINTON
IS A BIG STAR WARS FAN
10. Has requested cameo role in forthcoming Star
Wars 1995 Christmas Special
9. Very upset when he discovered he could not
appoint an ambassador to Dantooine
8. Hopes to change U.S. Constitution so that the
President can dissolve the Senate and let regional
governors have direct control over their territories,
letting fear keep the local systems in line
7. Almost has the hang of that "choke people through
6. Suggested new hairstyle to Hillary: Big buns
on sides of head
5. Diverted almost 70% of Pentagon budget into
secret project to build him a sail barge
4. Embarrasses daughter in front of friends by
standing on White House balcony, extending gloved
hand, and yelling "Chelsea....I am your father!"
3. Lip-synched last three addresses to Congress
while James Earl Jones crouched behind podium
and read speech
2. More and more frequently, he refers to partisan
attacks as "Jedi mind tricks"
1. Has had words "Air" and "One" removed from
TEN MOMENTS SENATOR PALPATINE
WISHES HE'D BEEN THERE FOR
10. Snatching up Luke's lightsaber in the Wampa
9. Flipping the Tractor Beam back on after Obi-Wan
8. Shoving Vader right off the Cloud City gantry
7. Tying Luke's laces together before he leaped
out over the Sarlaac
6. Stepping on Luke's fingers while he hung from
the Cloud City Dating vane
5. Unhooking Luke and Leia's rope in the Death
Star core shaft
4. Cranking up the speed on the Trash compactor
3. Driving the AT-AT that almost stepped on Luke
2. Showing Wicket what a REAL electric shock feels
1. "And now, Baby Ewok...You will die!"
TEN CHANGES THAT NEW F/X TECHNOLOGY
WILL ALLOW LUCAS TO MAKE FOR "STAR WARS" RERELEASE
10. Missing Jabba scene now a song & dance number.
9. Young Luke Skywalker gets to meet President
8. Dewbacks so real-looking they steal the film.
7. Luke will finally yell "Leia" instead of "Carrie"
when hopping out of X-wing.
6. Darth Vader suit will now have nipples.
5. C-3P0 now fully functional and programmed in
many methods of pleasuring.
4. Lucas now able to add that line where Obi-Wan
tells Darth that Vader perceives the force like
a spoon tastes food.
3. Can improve destruction of Alderaan scene without
blowing up another planet.
2. Puppeteers now able to give Luke more realistic
1. Obi-Wan Kenobi: A founder!
TEN ACTION FIGURES LEAST LIKELY
TO BE A PART OF NEW KENNER TOY LINE
10. Jabba's Fat Dancing Chick
9. Bespin Luke with Removable Hand
8. Baby Anakin Solo
7. Guy Who Bullies Luke at the Cantina
6. Han Solo in Borg Suit
5. Bobba Fett with Removable Helmet
4. Trash Compactor Monster
2. John Dykstra
1. Bacta-Tank Luke
TEN SURPRISES IN STAR WARS:
10. Luke and Leia actually a result of Mrs. Skywalker's
secret torrid affair with Uncle Owen.
9. Young Senator Palpatine first elected on a
lower taxes platform.
8. Special repeat appearance by Jefferson Starship.
7. Darth Vader really did kill Anakin Skywalker;
just lied to Luke to gain his sympathy.
6. Anakin's wife to be played by Genevieve Bujold.
5. Aunt Beru actually a hero of the Clone Wars.
4. Mon Mothma used to bulls-eye wamprats in her
3. One word: Pakleds
2. Boba Fett actually Luke's third cousin.
1. Before being horribly scarred, Anakin Skywalker
really looked like James Earl Jones, too.
TEN WAYS MICHAEL JACKSON WOULD
BE COOLER IF HE LIVED IN THE STAR WARS UNIVERSE
10. Due to high loss-of-hand rate, wearing one
glove is fashionably acceptable
9. Would not have needed huge effects budget for
8. In shocking revelation, he might have really
been the father of Billie Jean's son
7. Could really walk on moons
6. After skin-altering disease, could become Light
Lord of the Sith
5. Could ease tensions between Empire and Alliance
with anti-violence message of "Beat It"
4. Imperial breath mask could give him the deep
voice he never had
3. Improved medical technology could make new
nose and chin more realistic
2. Would have sure-fire hit with Sy Snootles duet
1. Would strengthen characterization of movies
by making Luke look manly