All staff, Los Alamos National Laboratory
From: Bill Richardson, Secretary of Energy
Dear staff members:
Due to an unfortunate overreaction by Congress to
our minor difficulties in the security area, we're
being forced to tighten up just a bit.
1. The brown paper bag in which we store the computer
disk drives that contain the nation's nuclear secrets
will no longer be left on the picnic table at the
staff commissary during lunch hour. It will be stored
in "the vault." I know this is an inconvenience to
many of you, but it's a sad sign of the times.
2. The three-letter security code for accessing "the
vault" will no longer be "B-O-B." To confuse would-be
spies, that security code will be reversed. Please
don't tell anybody.
3. Visiting scientists and graduate students from
Libya, North Korea and mainland China will no longer
be allowed to wander the hallways without proper identification.
Beginning Monday, they will be required to wear a
stick-on lapel tag that clearly states, "Hello, My
Name Is . . . ." The stickers will be available at
the front desk.
4. The computer network used for scientific calculations
will no longer be hyper linked via the Internet to
such Web sites as www.swedishbabes.com, or www.hackers-r-us.com.
Links to all Disney sites will be maintained, however.
5. Researchers bearing a security clearance of Level
5 and higher will no longer be permitted to exchange
updates on their work by posting advanced physics
formulas on the men's room walls.
6. On "Bowling Night," please check your briefcases
and laptop computers at the front counter of the Bowl-a-Drome
instead of leaving them in the cloakroom. Mr. Badonov,
the front-counter supervisor, has promised to "keep
un eye on zem" for us.
7. Staff members will no longer be allowed to take
home small amounts of plutonium, iridium or uranium
for use in those "little weekend projects around the
house." That includes you parents who are helping
the kids with their science fair projects.
8. Thermonuclear devices may no longer be checked
out for "recreational use." We've not yet decided
if exceptions will be made for Halloween, the Fourth
of July or New Year's Eve. We'll keep you posted.
9. Employees may no longer "borrow" the AA batteries
from the burglar alarm system to power their Game
Boys and compact-disc players during working hours.
10. And, finally, when reporting for work each day,
all employees must enter through the front door. Raoul,
the janitor, will no longer admit employees who tap
three times on the side door to avoid clocking in
late. I know this crackdown might seem punitive and
oppressive to many of you, but it is our sworn duty
to protect the valuable national secrets that have
been entrusted to our care.
Remember: Security isn't a part-time job-it's an imperative,
all 37 1/2 hours of the week!