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Ways to get rid of Relatives
  1. Make sure that you are always remodeling during the holidays, and insist that your house is unsuitable for company
  2. Insist that the Dead Pigeon (or the Greenbriar, for those of you local degenerates) is a five star hotel
  3. Be certain that everytime it's your turn to cook, you burn the turkey enough to gross evryone out, but not enough that it becomes inedible--the number of those who show up will diminish exponentially
  4. Hot-wire your doorbell--tell 'em you do it to get your hands warm when you come in
  5. Move to a new state every Thanksgiving and "keep unpacking" through Christmas--come home when it blows over
  6. By the same token, just fake your own death, spend a few months on a Carribean island, and tell them you went South for the winter because of your arthritis
  7. Ask each person to bring the one thing you know he/she can't cook
  8. Distributer caps are always good--get a neighbor of the offending relative to mail it to you [it helps if you can convince the same neighbor not to give them a ride to the auto shop]
  9. Insist that your dog always sleeps in that bed and there's nothing you can do to make him move
  10. Remind all of them that their respective mother-in-laws are invited this year

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