George
Costanza's Job Tips
1. Never walk down the
hall without a document in your hands. People with
documents in their hands look like hardworking employees
heading for important meetings. People with nothing
in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria.
People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're
heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry
loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating
the false impression that you work longer hours than
you do.
2. Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a
computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer.
You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate
your finances and generally have a blast without doing
anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly
the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer
revolution would like to talk about but they're not
bad either. When you get caught by your boss -and
you *will* get caught - your best defence is to claim
you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus
saving valuable training dollars.
3. Messy desk. Top management can get away with a
clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're
not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents
around your workspace. To the observer, last year's
work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that
counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody
is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll
need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage
for it when he/she arrives.
4. Voice Mail. Never answer your phone if you have
voice mail. People don't call you just because they
want to give you something for nothing - they call
because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's
no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice
mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for
you and it sounds like impending work, respond during
lunch hour when you know they're not there - it looks
like you're hardworking and conscientious even though
you're being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ
the method of screening incoming calls and then returning
calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase
the odds that the caller will give up or look for
a solution that doesn't involve you. The sweetest
voice mail message you can ever hear is: "Ignore my
last message. I took care of it". If your voice mailbox
has a limit on the number of messages it can hold,
make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way
to do that is to never erase any incoming messages.
If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages.
Your callers will hear a recorded message that says,
"Sorry, this mailbox is full" - a sure sign that you
are a hardworking employee in high demand.
5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed. According to George
Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient
and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that
you are always busy.
6. Appear to Work Late. Always leave the office late,
especially when the boss is still around. You could
read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted
to read but have no time until late before leaving.
Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way
out. Send important emails a unearthly hours (e.g.
9:35pm, 7:05am, etc...) and during public holidays.
7. Creative Sighing for Effect. Sigh loudly when there
are many people around, giving the impression that
you are very hard pressed.
8. Stacking Strategy. It is not enough to pile lots
of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the
floor etc... you can always borrow from library. Thick
computer manuals are the best.
9. Build Vocabulary. Read up on some computer magazines
and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use
it freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember:
They don't have to understand what you say, but you
sure sound impressive.
10. * MOST IMPORTANTLY: DON'T forward this to your
boss by mistake! |
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