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If Computers Were Like Cars....

General Motors doesn't have a help line for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers, but imagine if they did....

HelpLine: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "Your cars stink!"

HelpLine: "What's wrong?"

CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"

HelpLine: "What were you doing?"

CUSTOMER: "I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't even start up!"

HelpLine: "I'm sorry, sir, but it's your responsibility if you misuse the product."

CUSTOMER: "Misuse it? I was just following this darned manual of yours. It said to make the car go to put the transmission in 'D' and press the accelerator pedal. That's exactly what I did --now the darn thing's crashed."

HelpLine: "Did you read the entire operator's manual before operating the car sir?"

CUSTOMER: "What? Of course I did! I told you I did EVERYTHING the manual said and it didn't work!"

HelpLine: "Didn't you attempt to slow down so you wouldn't crash?"

CUSTOMER: "How do you do THAT?"

HelpLine: "You said you read the entire manual, sir. It's on page 14. The pedal next to the accelerator."

CUSTOMER: "Well, I don't have all day to sit around and read this manual you know."

HelpLine: "Of course not. What do you expect us to do about it?"

CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest versions that goes fast and won't crash anymore!"


HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!"

HelpLine: "Is the gas tank empty?"

CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know?"

HelpLine: "There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?"

CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"

HelpLine: "It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it for you."

CUSTOMER: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"


HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."

HelpLine: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"

HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?"

CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"

HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?"

CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person. I just want to go places in my car!"


HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!"

HelpLine: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"

CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"

HelpLine: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."

CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms just to use my car?"


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