for an answering machine
| Hi. Now you say something.
Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine
is, so you can tell it instead. Wait for the beep.
You know what I hate about answering machines messages?
They go on and on wasting you time. I mean, all they
really have to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message."
That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short.
I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have
to suffer through another long answering machine message
when you call me . . . . Hi! John's answering machine
is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak
very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself
with one of those magnets. Hello, this is Sally's
microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with
her CD player, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say,
if you want anything cooked while you leave you message,
just hold it up to the phone. Hello. You are talking
to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages.
My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub,
and their carpets, furnace ducts and chimney are clean.
They give to charity trough the office and don't need
their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave
your name and number and they will get back to you.
Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak
to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you
wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone
now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch
tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't
do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger,
and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone
system. (Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you
want to leave a message, please wait for the tone.
If you want to leave your name and number, please
press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press
6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your
name and just a message, press star, press 6, for
extension 4443, then leave your name and message.
If you want to leave your number and the time you
called, please press star twice, spin in a circle,
press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP. This is not an
answering machine-this is a telepathic thought-recording,
device. After the tone, think about your name, your
reason for calling, and a number where I can reach
you, and I'll think about returning your call. Hello,
this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave
your name and number, I'll be right with you. Hello.
I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please
leave a message and I will call you up as soon as
I find it. I can't come to the phone now because I
have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I
don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help
me out by leaving my name and telling me something
about myself. Thanks. I can't come to the phone right
now because I'm down in the basement printing up a
fresh batch of twenty dollar bells. If you need any
money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork,
please leave your name, number, and how much cash
you need after the tone. If you're from the Department
of the Treasury, please ignore this message. Hi. I'm
probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I
can take a message. Hold on a second while I get a
pencil. (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around) Ok,
what would you like me to tell me? You're growing
tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very
sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower
and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear
the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave
your name, number, and a message. As the drugs take
hold, you feel you are losing, your grip on reality.
You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone . .
. . The telephone is next to an answering machine...You
hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering
machine...you hear a beep... (Noisy pick-up of phone.)
Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just about to steal Troy's
answering machine. If you give me your name and number
I'll...I'll post it on the fridge where he'll see
it. Uh...By the way, where did you say you live? I'm
writing the definitive work on pain. I would like
you to tell me what this machine makes you feel. Remember,
be honest. This is for posterity. I can't came to
the phone now, so . . . . Hey - that's a nice phone
you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often?
I bet you have answering machines bothering you all
the time...Yes indeedy. Why don't you give me a call
sometime and we can listen to some old recordings...I
might even beep for you. Now I lay me down to sleep:
Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake,
Remember to erase this tape. C'mon...you can do it...just
a little one. That's the way...just a little beep,
just a little one. C,mon...good boy...here we go...like
this-beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon...there
you go! How do you leave a message on this thing?
I can't understand the instructions. Hello. Testing
123. I wonder what happens if I touch this...YOW!