might work in an ER if...
- You've ever had
to contend with someone who thinks constipation
for 4 hours is a medical emergency.
- You have four
categories of patients; urgent, emergent, non-emergent,
and S.I.O. (sleeping it off.)
- You've ever entered
a patient's chief complaint as "I'm drunk."
- You refer to
motorcyclists as "organ donors."
- You've ever had
a patient with a nose-ring tell you "I'm afraid
- You stare at
someone in utter disbelief when he or she actually
covers his or her mouth when coughing.
- You've ever thought
"as long as he's got a pulse, I won't worry about
- You've ever referred
to a body bag as a "To Go" bag.
- You can identify
the "P.I.D. shuffle" at a distance of 15 feet
and the "Kidney Stone Squirm" at 20.
- You've identified
the ULTIMATE Cruel Practical Joke; (get someone
drunk, then take them to the ER and announce that
they've overdosed on "some kind of pills" just
prior to arrival.)
- You think of
chocolate, coffee, Coca-Cola and the cafeteria's
frozen yogurt when anyone mentions the 4 food
- You've ever heard
the radio report from the ambulance and sadly
put the morgue bag on the cart before the patient
- You think that
the announcement of an impending arrival in 5
minutes of two adults in a serious MVA on back
boards with sirens on and anxiety at level 10
would be a great opportunity to eat lunch... (and
you know that this is more time than you usually
- You have ever
heard triage nurse first ask, "Is it urgent?"
when interrupted from the first break in hours.
- You feel that
you can diagnose passersby at the mall based on
- You don't have
to ask "frequent flyers" any medical history questions
because you can fill it out from memory.
- You can keep
a straight face as the patient responds "I just
had two beers."
- You automatically
multiply by 3 the number of drinks they claim
to have daily.
- You give the
local drunks tips on where to sleep so they (and
you) won't be disturbed by a return visit.